Holly T. Ashley

Oh did I type that outloud?

They don’t tell you this part!

Diary of a Mean Menopausal Woman

images (1)I can’t jump. Not because I’m a white girl either – I can no longer jump.

And not because I don’t want to! I do!

I can’t do jump squats, I can’t play trampoline dodge-ball….

Doing mountain climbers even sends me running to the bathroom –

No one told me that this would be an issue!

I did not know that my muscles would become so tense that the inside of my knees feel as if they are permanently bruised… (I thought that was because I was always so anxious…. Or depressed… depending on the moment of the day).

I didn’t know that my digestive tract would declare war on everything I ate, nor did I realize that I would become so electric that I would become a game for children to play at the grocery store… (I blamed the dairy products).

I did not know that my gums would recede into my cheekbones causing my teeth to fall out of my head.

I did not know that I would have to learn new ways to breathe at night because my sinus cavities had determined that they were tired and had done enough to help me throughout my 48 years… so just simply stopped allowing air to flow through.

I did not know that my bed would become my enemy and the need for a Jacuzzi in my bedroom became more like a medical necessity than a romantic interlude for me and my husband.

My poor husband…. He did not know either….

It’s age.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…. It is so very much more!

It is so much more than just getting older… Its menopause – perio-menopause – whatever you want to call it – but in order to jump apparently now I need to wear a Depends….

Getting a massage now takes me to new experiences in pain… I did not know they would use their elbows!

It was not bad enough that I gained weight… That very weight is apparently determined to stay and forever call my body home, no matter how hard or how often I work out –

Now my inwards are leaking! And aching!  And falling!

No… really. Thank you.

I heard about and expected the night sweats, the irritability, the crying, weight fluctuation, etc. But what I did not know about was that my body was falling apart from the inside out –

Good lord, no wonder I cry all the time! Or I’m anxious… Or I am depressed…


I told my husband one day… “It is  as if someone has taken my thoughts and thrown them in the air  – only to have ½ of the pieces fall to the ground … like a useless jigsaw puzzle…”

One day I went to get out of bed and thought that I had over done it at the gym – my ankles ached so badly and were simply revolting  – (I thought it was the hard ceramic tile so I bought new slippers)….

Shortly thereafter, it advanced to where my entire body ached so much that I could hardly turn over in bed (I blamed the bed)… I also blamed the bed for my insomnia and my waking up at 3:20 am like I was living in the Amity Ville house…

A year prior to all of this happening I… an Arizona native… became allergic to everything in Arizona! I took every drug over the counter and behind the pharmacy counter to find out it was getting worse because I was seemingly allergic to the drugs…. So I was finally put on prednisone (DON’T DO IT) and 50 pounds later….

Yeah – don’t do it. It didn’t last either!

Then I went to the Dentist because I had a loose molar – only to find out that all my teeth were falling out due to periodontal disease (my healthy gums and beautiful straight white, regularly flossed teeth) were going to fall completely out because my gums were receding!

What the crap!

Braces from the time I was in 5th grade …

For what! For this!


Last summer when my stepson’s came to visit we were shopping at the grocery store where they found the greatest menopausal symptom (NOT) known to man… or so they thought –

I’m electric. And not in a good way.

Yep – touch me… especially when I’m pushing a grocery cart.

Not only did the kids think it was funny – they continued to touch me…

Finally when the last “quit doing that… knock it off… stop it,” didn’t work anymore….

Ugly mini-mean-menopause woman began to immerge….  They stopped.

Their mother is wayyyyyyyyyyy younger than me… they had no idea…

But I’m telling you – this is no joke. It’s for real. And even though it can sometimes make me angry, frustrated and sad… depressed, anxious and irritated…

I have to laugh.

So I laughed….

And then I researched…

And now, I share. 🙂

Knowledge is power my friend and before you jump into YOGA – because of achy joints… or buy a new bed, or $55 shampoo and conditioner, all new clothing dryer sheets for your static, or whatever – go see your Doc and have your hormone levels tested…

Even if it is just to see where you are at… so you know you are not crazy!

By the way – I’m on month number 5 with my hormone replacement therapy – I have now advanced to the second to highest dosage so some of these symptoms have gone away. NO more night sweats, I have NOT gained a pound in over 6 months (but I have not lost any either……

But in all honesty, I must blame the margaritas…. but in my defense, my husband won’t let me have a Jacuzzi in the bedroom.

Here are some not-so- typical reported perio and menopausal factoids:
Painful, tender breasts
Joint Pain
Burning sensations/canker sores on your tongue
Electric Shock
Digestive Problems
Gum Problems
Extremely tight and sore muscles
Itchy Skin
Tingling in your hands and toes

And I found a great site where you can read about them all: http://www.34-menopause-symptoms.com/

My mind is no longer the jigsaw puzzle on the floor with ½ the pieces missing any more either –

Only ¼ are gone… but at least I’m not anxious to find them anymore…. After all, what’s the point, once I got down to pick them up, I would just forget why I was down there anyway…



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